It's Been Awhile

Life just gets in the way sometimes, y'know?  Take the past month.  I couldn't really tell you one way or the other what has consumed my life so completely that I couldn't sit down in front of the laptop and type.  Something.  Anything.  But the time passed - swiftly - and here I am, a good ways into October.

I turned 30.  The milestone came and passed without much of a blip.  Except for the nice celebration Mr. Pi threw me, just the two of us:

I don't care how old you are, you just can't look at a pile of presents and not smile like a fool.  Especially ones wrapped in purple sparkley "Birthday Girl" paper.

And before presents, Birthday Girl had to finish her dinner:

He spoils me rotten, Mr. Pi does.

One present I got for my birthday, from a dear non-knitter friend who knows me so well:

It looks and reads like a textbook, but I confess: I skimmed nearly the entire thing the night it came in the mail.  I read enough to discover that my Grandma's book, Twice Knit Knitting, is referenced in the bibliography.  I can't tell you the little thrill I got seeing that.  I suppose it's rather like being related to royalty or celebrity.

Speaking of knitting.  I should catch you up on what I've been working on.  I have a pair of commuter mitts nearly finished, requested by a friend.  I do believe that this marks the first time I've ever completed the same pattern twice.  I just have to sew on a few buttons and weave in some ends.  But you know me - I'm not really good at the "finishing."

They've been in this state of nearly finished for weeks now.  They travel with me everywhere I go, along with my yarn needle, the buttons, and a little sewing kit, however ... still not completed.

(sorry, terrible picture)

Here's what they'll look like when they're done:

... only with different buttons.

I also put quite a bit of work into my brown sock sweater - so named because it started off as my first sock, but morphed into the sleeve of a sweater, and the project just sort of grew from there.  

I started two identical Harry Potter scarves for my nephews, on the same circular needle.  I don't know why I never thought of it before - it's really quite brilliant.  Ensures that they will be perfectly identical.  This is important because the two nephews are 5 and nearly 3 and they're the two youngest in their family, and they're just close enough in age so that what one gets, the other immediately wants.

I am experimenting with a technique for knitting two socks at once as well - on one circular - from this book:

which is a bit trickier than simply knitting back and forth like the scarves.  I haven't gotten to the heels yet; I have a feeling that will be a challenge.  This is the first time I've knit socks with actual sock yarn, on a size 2 circ, and it feels like it's taking forever.  

FOREVER. 

(Spoken like whats-his-name from the Sand Lot. What's his name?  With the glasses.  Marries Wendy Peffercorn.  Oh for crying out loud, I can remember Wendy Peffercorn's name but I can't remember his???  Thirty's hit me pretty hard, apparently.)

This self-striping yarn is super-pretty, but it's not as soft or stretchy as I would have liked for a pair of socks.  It's a bamboo blend from Jo-Ann, Etc.  Note to self: Don't knit with wood, then expect it to feel like wool.

I still have to finish the green baby blanket, and I haven't even started my Teal Deer.  Did I tell you about the Teal Deer, yet?  It's still going to be epic, it's just ... on hiatus.

Let's see...

I made it to two fairs this fair season, which makes me happy.  It's fall in New England, which means it's colorful and blustery and absolutely heaven on earth.  The air smells like leaves, and it's so peaceful and calm, if you close your eyes, you can almost feel the drowsy trees falling asleep.  Two teenage deer walked through my backyard early this morning, tiptoeing among the yellowing ferns.  Is there anything more peaceful than a fall morning?

Softball is drawing to a close for the year, which makes me sad, but also happy because lately I've been banished to right field.  I'm not an outfielder.  I'm a second-baseman who could also fill in the position of third base in a pinch.  But that's the reality of playing on a team, I guess.  You go where the team needs you.

Dave Matthews Band is coming to Connecticut in December, so I might actually fulfill my lifelong desire to see them in concert.  I had the chance once.  I had the tickets in hand, but I stood on principle and gave them away.  They were a gift from a manipulative ex who was trying to win me back.  He knew it was my lifelong desire to see them, and he used them as a means to an end.  I would not be bought!  As it turns out, I really REALLY shot myself in the foot with that one because it was before LeRoi Moore passed away (RIP).  Sigh.

You live, you learn. (Thanks, Alanis)

I have a new little mini-me in my youngest niece, Leah.  Everyone says she looks just like me, which gives me a little boost of pride in my heart.

I mean, gosh.  She's just so darn cute!  Here she is, singing to the musical giraffe I got her older sister when she was a baby.  It plays "You Are My Sunshine", I think.

I actually got to drive down to see my youngest nieces, recently.  It was the weekend after my birthday, and my cousin had a wedding shower in the same general vicinity where my sister lives, so my Mom and I drove down and stayed over to see the girls get dedicated at church the next day.

I carried Leah into the restaurant where my sister had arranged a brunch after the service, and while we were waiting for our table, the little darling fell asleep right on my shoulder.  It actually aches to remember it, because - I don't know if you feel the same way, but in my opinion having a sleeping child in your arms is actually one of the best feelings in the world.  Couple that with the pangs I've been feeling for motherhood lately, and I just can't even... tears, just remembering it.

Needless to say, I'm yearning.  I might as well tell you, dear readers, that Mr. Pi and I have been making baby plans.  Beyond just the pre-natals I showed you a few months ago.  And all the while, reading baby books and browsing baby articles on baby websites, and looking for baby ideas on Pinterest, and window-shopping baby stuff on Etsy, looking at 4-bd, 2.5 ba houses on Realtor.com ... I still have this fear, behind it all, hiding somewhere behind my solar plexus, that wonders if I can do this.  

For one, quite literally, if I can even conceive.  I had major surgery (appendectomy) when I was very young (two) that left that area of my body pretty scarred and messy.  And, if I can conceive, can I put away my selfishness and immaturity and care for another human being?  And beyond basic necessities, can I do it right?  Will I be stifling?  Will I mess up?  Will I buckle under the pressure and end up a terrible mother? Will I be one of those mothers who pushes their children away after a long day at work?  Will I be one of those mothers who can't juggle, so everything falls to the ground?  Will I find it too difficult to leave my child in daycare, and have to quit my job?

It's scary and what's weird is - I never really had these fears before.  It's like the older I get the more I realize what could go wrong.  And the more I doubt if I'm mom material.  And I wonder if it's too late, if I've missed my window of opportunity to be the best mom I could have been.

Sometimes I need someone - a strong, intelligent woman, ideally - to sit me down and tell me that I'm going to be just fine.  That it's ok to think the thoughts that are running through my head - What if I can't go back to work after maternity leave?  What if I decide to leave my career and the path I've been treading and the ladder I've been climbing?  What if I take time away, will I be able to return?  Will I regret it when my children are in school and I'm trying to get back in?  Will I regret it when we are clipping coupons or worse just to make ends meet?  When we are fighting about money in front of the kids?  Will I regret it if I stay in my job but realize later the kids needed me at home?

How does anyone do it?  Mr. Pi and I don't even have a family yet, and already we're living on two incomes, and couldn't imagine not living on two incomes.  I can't see how it would even be possible to stay home with the kids, but I also can't see how it would even be possible to say goodbye to them every day.  

There's so much I want to be able to do, and I need to be home to do them.  I want to keep a neat and orderly house.  I want to create and maintain a healthy and nutritious meal schedule for my family.  I want to sew clothes and curtains and crib sheets.  I want to knit layettes and crochet toys and hook a rug and stitch a beautiful saying and design a sweet nursery.  I want to make up fun games and activities to stimulate my child's development.  I want to teach my kids as much as they can possibly learn, so that they're full to overflowing.  I want to play music and dance and laugh and give them 100% because they only have one childhood.

But the truth is, I already feel spread thin.  I already live for the weekends.  I can't do all the things I love and want to do, because I couldn't possibly find time to do them all.  So how in the world could I think I can add something like Motherhood to the mix?  I have this feeling like I'm going to have to choose, and it's not going to be an easy choice.  What will happen to the things I love, to the things that make me ME, when my life is work-kids-sleep-work-kids-sleep-work-kids-sleep ...

I have no answers, but the words of George Harrison are lingering in my mind:

"And to see you're really only very small
and life flows on, within you and without you."

Did he mean that life flows on inside of me and outside of me, like an energy, or without me, like a train leaving the station?

Mrs. Pi